


things standing thus unknown (shall not live behind me)

by lungthief



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society) Lives, Shakespeare, flagrant use of repetition as a literary device, i just really like shakespeare, listen this is more of a concept than an actual fic ok, neil and todd are just so in love u guys, the inherent homoeroticism of reading verse, they're doing hamlet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:02:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29650356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lungthief/pseuds/lungthief
Summary: “I think you should audition, too.”Todd Anderson is not an actor. Todd Anderson does not like being onstage, he doesn’t like talking in front of people and having them listen. Neil Perry is an actor, Neil Perry does all of that, and Neil Perry is insane.“I can’t act, Neil. I can’t audition for Hamlet.”Neil steps closer.“We both know that’s not true.”
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	things standing thus unknown (shall not live behind me)

**Author's Note:**

> hi so full disclosure this was never really intended to be a full out fic, it was more of a concept that lived under the floorboards of my brain tell-tale heart style and so i had to get it out in some form or another. enjoy!

It is Todd Anderson’s last semester at Welton. It has been a year and a half since his roommate, Neil Perry, played Puck in _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_. It has been a year and a half since his roommate, Neil Perry, sat down at his father’s desk, gun in hand, and pulled the trigger. 

Neil doesn’t die. 

His hand shakes and the gun misfires, or the gun wasn’t loaded in the first place—rumors have floated around Welton ever since it happened (not even Todd knows. It’s not like Neil wants to talk about it, anyway). All anyone knows is that Neil scared his dad half to death and begrudgingly let him come back to school, to the Dead Poets Society, and to the world of theatre. 

Neil Perry is alive. And he is never more alive than when he is onstage. That part everyone knows, and no one knows it better than Todd. 

Neil has been Sebastian, Neil has been Ferdinand, Neil has been Romeo (Todd’s knuckles went white against the armrest when he saw Neil down the poison, it felt wrong and cruel and unfair, to make him act a scene he knew all too well, to make Todd watch, but the cast gathers at curtain call and Neil’s flushed face and shining eyes remind Todd that this is Neil living, _really_ living). 

It is Todd Anderson’s last semester at Welton and he is greeted by his roommate, Neil Perry, holding a flyer for the last production of the school year. 

“They’re doing _Hamlet,”_ Neil says, trying and failing to keep his voice measured. 

“That’s great. you’ll get it, you know.” Todd replies. 

“Yeah, yeah. I hope so. But...” 

“But?” 

“I think you should audition, too.” 

Todd Anderson is not an actor. Todd Anderson does not like being onstage, he doesn’t like talking in front of people and having them listen. Neil Perry is an actor, Neil Perry does all of that, and Neil Perry is insane. 

“I can’t _act,_ Neil. I can’t _audition_ for _Hamlet_.” 

Neil steps closer. 

“We both know that’s not true.” 

Neil Perry is insane, but he occasionally makes good points. 

The truth is that while Neil was Sebastian and Ferdinand and Romeo, Todd was his Antonio, and his Miranda, and his Juliet, and a hundred other characters scattered in between. Running lines had become their tradition ever since _A_ _Midsummer Night’s Dream_. Ever since Todd, sitting with his back to the wall on his twin bed, script in hand, read “ _But we are spirits of another sort,”_ and Neil stared up at him, entranced, and breathed “We are,” and Todd frowned, with “that’s not your line,” but it didn’t matter because Neil was kissing him and kissing him and kissing him. Ever since, nothing mattered but reading verse and kissing Neil and hanging upon each other’s lips, metaphorically or otherwise. 

Todd knows his way around a soliloquy. Todd could audition for Hamlet. 

“It would be our last chance before we graduate, Todd.” 

Neil Perry occasionally makes _excellent_ points. And Todd wants this anyway, because maybe it would be nice to speak and have people listen, for a change. 

And so Todd auditions for Hamlet. _Carpe diem._

Neil gets the lead. Naturally.

Todd Anderson, sweet, soft-spoken, in-love-with-his-best-friend Todd Anderson, gets Horatio. 

Naturally. 

Neil is ecstatic. He reads the cast list, then reads it again, then barrels down the hallway to his room. He takes Todd’s startled face in his hands and kisses him fiercely and says “We’re gonna be so _good.”_ And as Neil’s lips find their way to Todd’s neck and his fingers to the buttons of Todd’s shirt, Todd is inclined to agree. 

Two boys sit across from each other on Todd’s bed, scripts in hand, as is tradition. 

But here’s the thing about tradition: it isn’t disrupted easily. A tradition does not fracture prettily. It tears, jagged, in two. 

Todd Anderson makes it all the way to the end of act five, scene two before it all falls apart. He thinks that's rather impressive of him, given the circumstances. 

Neil doesn't notice at first. Neil is absorbed in the language, absorbed in the fiction of it all, and Todd is absorbed in Neil. 

Todd hears himself offer to drink poison ~~for Neil~~ for Hamlet’s sake, and Hamlet responds. 

“... _If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart,_

_Absent thee from felicity awhile,_

_And draw thy breath in pain_

_To tell my story.”_

Except it’s not Hamlet, it’s Neil, and Neil is dying in Todd’s arms, Neil is asking Todd to tell his story, _the powerful play went on and he never got to contribute his verse_ and it’s all too, too much. 

Neil Perry looks up from his script to see tears streaming down Todd Anderson’s face. 

“Todd?” His voice is gentle, steeped in softness, the same way he wished Todd a happy birthday that night on the roof, the same way he has said ‘I love you’ to Todd a thousand times since then. “I applaud your acting, pal, but it’s not opening night quite yet.” 

Neil Perry isn’t stupid. Neil knows that he almost killed Todd Anderson’s best friend, that he almost left Todd alone, that it’s different than swallowing poison for Juliet this time. 

Neil wants to hold him. 

Todd lets out a choked sob. 

“I made it through Yorick, I made it through fucking _to be or not to be_ , but I couldn’t make it through that _goddamn line.”_ His voice is thick and his face is a mess. Neil moves to kiss his forehead, but Todd pulls him down by his collar. 

“ _You can’t_ _fucking do that to me again, okay?”_ Todd stammers, unsteady but deadly. “You’re not allowed to _leave.”_

“I’m not going to leave.” Neil says, and he knows he means it. 

“You promise?” Todd whispers. 

“I promise.”   


And Todd lets Neil wipe his cheek with the pad of his thumb, and lets him close the gap between them, because this is a promise worth sealing. 

And by the time opening night rolls around, Neil was right. They are so _good._

The seats fill with their classmates, the ever-proud members of the Dead Poets Society, come to see the last hurrah. Not one breathes at the end of act five, scene two. 

_The Anderson boy sure can act,_ the general audience marvels. 

_He isn’t acting,_ the Welton boys know. 

At curtain call, Neil Perry and Todd Anderson clasp hands as they bow. The applause is deafening. Todd looks to Neil, and in his flushed face and shining eyes he sees a promise. 

_Carpe diem._ Seize the day. 

And the day after that. And the day after that. And the many, many days that follow. 

**Author's Note:**

> mr. keating was there and he gave them both a big hug after the show and then neil and todd graduate and go to columbia and todd becomes a writer and neil becomes an actor and they get a shitty little apartment in new york and live long successful and domestic lives together and they are so so in love goodbye
> 
> feel free to message me about these two or shakespeare or anything else on tumblr! i'm @lungthief :)
> 
> title is a (modified) quote from hamlet (act five, scene two, of course).  
> hope u enjoyed!!!!


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